Where the wise become less wiser.

I dont know

Maybe its the facts

that gotta go

the truths that need to leave

and sweep away

so i can breath

I dont know

why you act this way

all up and gone away

like im just some shit today

I dont matter I dont count

when you take and I give all i am

it surmounts

to pain, agony, flighty fucking thoughts

i feel dropped and hated

like im desperately caught

in between your world and what i try to do for you

Am i crazy or are you just blind too

you ever worked so hard for someone else than you?

Or is it just the world you see

that makes you step

ever so viciously on me

im prepped

for the drop

the fall

at the point im unneeded

when I get the call

“Hey babe, weve ended

in so little of words

I can speak or mutter

youve got nothing for me to take

Nothing to offer.

Ive drained you

cut you

stole away your soul.

Now that your empty and beaten

Im sorry

but youve got to go”

But this foolish thought

could be the crazy in my head

it could be the scary

unreal

points my paranoia dreads.

So i thought instead

of fucking my hopes

and killing my dreams

id write this little thing

to keep me sanity

and it seems

that it worked for now

but until I break away

and voice my fears

and have a voice that day

Im just lying in wait.

Not sure why i wrote this way. Im actually not as disposed to fears of my girl using me. Just wanted to take some thoughts and put them to paper =) I haven’t written in a long long time so I think its pretty rough. But to anyone who reads this, if you love someone tell them your fears. Dont let it explode by keeping it in. I would hate to lose the grl I love because I was to afraid to give myself a voice. though Im sure no one will read this anyway =P Thanks to those who did.

Why should anyone else fucking care. Its not like its them. They dont understand. So you know what? Fuck it. I’ll just let it suck like every other fucking year.

I have a lot of memories. And like book they tell a story. But unlike a book they are filled with emotion words can’t always describe. Sometimes there is not even any words. But I still remember them.

I remember the start, the beginning if you will, of everything I am. Because what are but the culmination of memories and experiences. We are just a shell, a hollow existence of nothingness, without our memories. My earliest memory was when I still lived with my Mom and Dad. I was about 2. I hated chocolate and loved to cause problems. One of them was the problem of me stealing my sisters bubblegum. I took it and hid in my Moms room in the closet. I stuck all of it in my mouth and chewed. My sister found me and took it away, then she proceeded to yell at me. I remember feeling guilt, for it was the first time I understood wrong and right. I was walking back downstairs when my sister kicked me down the stairs. My mom ran to see me and I was laughing. It wasn’t till later that I realized my 4 year old sister tried to hurt me. but when you think about it, these instances really shape who you are. (side note: Dad leaves after this so its just me and my mom.)

Now lets get to the topic I really want to get out of my system. Loneliness, is it the circumstances of having none by your side physical? Or is it not having anyone to attach to emotional. I believe the second. Because in all of my life, from the age of birth to 18 I haven’t ever felt like i was with anyone. I have always believed I was alone. Home hasn’t existed for me. Because to me home is where you go to that is safe and someone who truly loves you is there. To me home is never anywhere alone. When growing up , to provide for me, my mother would work 12 hour long shifts and come home and sleep. She would wake up the next morning and proceed to leave again. on weekends she would get plastered and hang out with friends. A lot of the time I would walk to school myself and cook my own dinner and manage my own stuff like cloths and other things. i was taught to be independent, and because of this coupled with the fact i had little to no interaction with my mom I became a solitude person. This started from a very young age. I was just always alone. I read alone, I slept alone, I played alone, I lived alone. I had best friends, sure, like everyone does. but I was never “home” anyway. Well the point is I just was never truly happy. When i was in 2nd grade my mom transfered me to boarding school. This was where I learned to compensate for my shortcoming of being alone. I would be social, the most social person possible. I always loved knowledge and loved to know things because the more I knew the less conversations could be held from my grasp. i never had to be alone. But it was a facade. I still felt alone, and to be honest, with all that knowledge i learned people generally suck. they are the reason people like me are alone. because they just don’t care. Not a single part of them give a flying fuck weather or not I die or not. They will still stick to social morays and grieve at my life’s termination, but in the face of it happening, with the having a chance to stop it, they would not if it put themselves at risk. Point is though I began to mold.

The first part of my life was like a sculptor picking the right materials for my body. The second part was to shape it into who i became. Now in retrospect I became a sculpture to early. I was completed when i was about eight. I had an idea of who I was (self recognition) I could see where I wanted to be ( Actualization) and I ran for it. Usually you don’t get here till your mid 20’s. Call me abnormal. I was able to see who I didnt want to be very easy., My mom was an abusive alcoholic who smoked weed and never married. My dad was a dead beat father my family had their own agendas and I was alone. My friends were nice, but they could never even comprehend what really ran through my brain, let alone attempt to empathize.

In high school i started to change. I began to give my hatred towards humanity another face. I enjoyed being proven right. I gave people I knew would hurt all the chances in the world to do so. because I wanted to be right, I also reveled in being wrong. it meant i didn’t have to be alone again. But time and time again i was right. until recently. I have found a home. I found a place that I will protect and follow for the rest of my years. And she is everything to me. She is the light that shines in a never ending torment that I lived. Now don’t get me wrong my life could have been way way worse, I shouldn’t complain. I mean I could have never met her =) lol but really It could have been worse. but i also know how bad it was. And i am glad to say i would live it again if i could remain with this person.

“Clouds so dark and dreary,

Reaping nights so clear,

Forever marking bleary,

And delving towards our fears.

They taint the sky

With brittle lies

Of never ending sorrow

And as we stare

They trap, ensnare

Our dreams and hopes to be

Yet still, no quake

No silver moon take

begets the wake

The sun begins to rise

Light so bright

So divinely right

After night so eerily stained

Warmth for me

And  tender breeze

Washes the memory away”

its like everything with her is better. Its sounds way worse then it is when i say it this way. it sounds obsessed and kinda weird. but I’m a very subjective person. i say it how it can be most simply explained. I love her more than anyone in this world. I wont tell her this because it does sound needy and such, but I’m so tired of being alone. thanks for hearing my rant. if you read through this Im impressed and slightly shocked anyone on here had the attention span. message me questions what ever, All i know is this is a great way to blow off some stress.

(Side note:) We are dating and have been together for 7 and a half months. She really is my ideal person in every way. she makes life so amazing. She is the break to the norm of everything I held standard. I want to make her the happiest person alive and try everyday to do so. If you have someone you care about, please treat them like they are nothing but your life. they deserve the best. and thats all I want to give her, the best.

Really didn’t want to spend today alone. I’m tired of feeling alone. When you’re alone you have to much time with yourself.

Empty hands are grasping for touch

Pulling for love

not hoping for much

Take me down before the gods and the shades

It matters no way

How I deal with today

Born and raised by unique manikins

Poised and pulled by strings

Set on rails down their hand made trails

But then how can I strive to call this life?

Whether or not “God” actually exists or not is a mystery but something I believe came tonight when walking.

            God’s greatest gift to man was woman. She is not less than or greater than him but in all his partner. His other half. And my Other half’s name is Madeline Moeller. She is my true other half. She completes everything I am and even if I wasn’t her other half she’ll always be mine. And I will always protect and love her so. I want to be by her side, to feel her sadness and share in her joy. I want to eternally Love her. Thats just how I feel.

Sick and tired of shit that twists and bends around hands grasping for a future or lungs for breath and never knowing whats next. Tell me how its fair to see the world in disrepair and walk away from conflicts known to never even face it blown. Its gone and swiftly carried away as the day marks near the end of tears we hear a cry a plea a sigh for help to come but yet we walk away. We trample down the the seeds and ground and puncture hopes with sharper quotes of hateful thoughts to get us known, what do we know but darkness thrown around us like blankets seeped in thoughts of brooding disregard. We are the guarded and the hard.

          I try to compare this being who brings thoughts like singing of despair to that of a beast, a monster, a cur. But I cant find or define the difference between the “woe” beast and its prey for both do and say alike in each and every way they can not help but feel the darkness as it reels them in closer to the source the sickened and remorse. It calls out to those without light who wont fight back and lack the right to chose its own path. They are left blinded and reminded of the chills and the sadness of being so lonely beings nothing left but screaming in the dark. They are the weary without mark.